I recently discovered that the Hallmark Channel, whose “original” movies are so numerous that they seem to be made en masse in the producers’ basements, calls the month of February, also known as Black History Month, “Lovuary.” By the implicit logic that the concocted name suggests, October would be called “Pumpkiner” and November may be called “Turkey and gravyer.” The too-cute name for February is, of course, because of the one day of the month that we call Valentine’s Day, the day of love. Or lovuary. While Valentine’s Day lasts for 24 hours, notwithstanding all the valentine decorations that continue to litter homes and stores even today, Black History Month, February’s other title, continues. Without home-made movies.
Unfortunately, Valentine cards and the occasional heart-shaped box of chocolates are not the only things we receive in “Lovuary.”
One of the mailings I received during this month of love is a redundant one. I have written about it before, but the mailers apparently continue to think I am sure to be losing my hearing soon. The ad continues to proffer that it is never too late to find out if my bad hearing is audiological or “just wax,” and the advertisement now boasts a “FREE $10 Gas Card.” But the free gas card, the small print explains, is valid only “during special event at Participating Locations.” That’s a lot of qualifying for $10, which doesn’t buy much gas these days, and, even worse, the small print lets us know that the $10 gas card will be mailed to us “within 4-6 weeks” following the “special event” that we must attend. By that time the gift card will probably be worth even less than what it was worth on the night of the event. The small print tells us there is a “limit of one gift card offer per year.” If at this point it seems too much work for too little a reward, there is “up to” 50% off digital hearing aids!” (Excitement theirs.) We must attend the hearing event to win, however. The qualifying words here are “up to,” yet not including, 50% off. The smallest print of the whole ad tells us that the model under consideration, at full price, is $5,998. (Some of us would call that $5,000, paying no attention to the $998, an amount that actually makes the cost $6,000. It’s an old ruse used by sellers, but it still works, as in “less than a dollar” often means 99 cents. And even more often, “less than $100” often means $99.99. The two digits seem much less costly than the three digits.)
Finally, the same cautionary statement is given to us as it had been the previous times we received the ad — “your hearing problem may just be wax!” (Again, their excitement.) But we are directed to call “today” because “this offer is only valid for 4 days.” On the fifth day we are left to go after the wax by ourselves.
According to the latest mailing I received, hearing aids are now called “hearing instruments.” Like a violin. Or, at other times, “hearing systems,” and this company, or system, is “one of the first” to present them to area customers! (excitement theirs.)
I recently saw two ads for hearing aids. An interesting number only because both are hawked by former football star Joe Namath. Holding what appears to be an unshelled peanut, roasted and salted, it turns out to be a hearing aid, and the former football star tells us, “I couldn’t believe it!” (his excitement.) I couldn’t either.
Happy Lovuary. And, if that is too difficult, Happy Black History Month.
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Karla Alwes is a Distinguished Teaching Professor of English, alumnus, at SUNY Cortland.
